Screwing around

Shame on you those who read smut into that title. I am of course referring to the fact that the Ikea saga continues apace.

I am glad that my trauma provided Helen with a good laugh, that Erica is able to use me as a guinea pig and that Purple Missus is saving money on magazines at my expense. I am glad that English rose and Susan D thought me worthy of a comment too. I think that is a record number for one post and clearly the way to garner maximum reader feedback is to drive myself witless before posting. I can test that theory because we did more Ikea DIY tonight.

The first task was to attach the glass doors to the book cases to make them cabinets. First step - put the brackets on the bookcase. I screwed them in upside down. Unscrew. Rescrew. Put hinges on door. Got that right. Door on bookcase. Fine. Put CD shelf insert into cabinet. Ooops. Now it won't fit in because of the door slightly obstructing the shelf edges. Door must come off. Unscrew. Re screw.

Only one of two doors are on the frame at this point but whilst Dennis made up the hinges on the other door I thought I'd put a couple of boxes on the shelf to make it look homely and to remind myself why I was bothering to do all this. You know, the see through boxes I went and got extra of because they were so cheap. The ones I know fit on the shelf because I went all the way back through the Ikea showroom to check.... they fit on the shelf - but not with the door on. Turns out they jut out by just few enough millimetres to be imperceptible on an open shelf but enough to push the door out. This is becuase whilst the dimension of the case is, as advertised 28 cm, deep the depth of the shelf is actually 26cm.

I enter instant problem solving mode. There are three options I tell a frightend looking Dennis. I put the screwdriver I am brandishing down and he relaxes just a little bit.

1. We change the usage of the shelves so I don't put projects on them. Decision: I am buggered if I am going through all this to not have a cabinet I can use the way I planned.

2. We forget the doors and take them back for a refund. We have two unopened they will exchange but we lose 30% off the two we opened. That will cost us £21.60. Plus I then have open cabinets which I didn't want becuase that sodding book tells you to keep dust off your thread. (Or maybe that was Bob the ThreadGuy on The Quilt Show, but anyway.) Plus that means going back to Ikea. I am never ever doing that. Ever.

3. We buy new boxes and use the others eleswhere. I tell him that, actually, thinking about it, it could be quite handy because I can transfer my scraps from bags to boxes and colour code them. He looks at me like I might have been planning that all along.I find a catalogue for an office suppliers who I know do same day delivery to my house. I even have a 25% off coupon. They have boxes which are 5mm less than the shelf depth. Bingo. They cost more than the big ones of course. Eight will be £38.40. Dennis frowns. I point out though, that we save £21.60 by not going back to Ikea. Plus petrol. Plus the swedish cake we will no doubt need to revive us after the trauma of going to Ikea again. So no extra cost at all then. Dennis is beginning to comprehend the answer to his own question which I so neatly avoided last night, namely : "How come 2 Billy bookcases at £55 cost you £483?"

We opt for number three but decide not to put the other doors on until I have all my boxes and amd sure where I want all my adjustable shelves. So we carry on with the building. I make a whole bookcase all by myself with no mistakes. I am Woman.

I move onto the height extension. I screw the top shelf on back to front and tack the back into place. I realise what I have done. I realise that it was exactly the same mistake as I made yesterday. I do not swear ( unlike yesterday ) because I have put Soweto Gospel Choir on the CD and it is hard to cuss whilst singing along to 'Oh Happy Day, When Jesus washed my sins away'. I do untack, unscrew and rescrew. There are tack holes in the trim of the right side. Oh well, it is way high up high and the holes are very small and my life is fast running out. I bung it up as it is.

Now both cabinets need to be screwed to the wall. Ikea instructions say to 'use whatever is appropriate for your wall'. I ask the wall what it deems appropriate. It is not speaking to me. Apparently it prefers to listen to Motorhead and is sulking. I ring Dad. Dad is out. Work ceases for the evening. I have a nasty feeling that tomorrow might involve rawl plugs and power tools.

God help us.

Finaly let me assure Annica who left her comment from Sweden that, no I don't hate all Swedes. Only those who write Ikea instructions. I'm not keen on Sven Goran Eriksson either becuase even I know that going to the European Cup without an effective striker was a fool decision and I like football about as much as I like Ikea. Other that than no I don't hate Swedes. Apart from Abba and Bijorn Borg, I am not sure I know any to hate... and that last comment, should certainly, even if my trauma is not enough tonight, gather me a number of irate comments from Scandinavia!

Good night.


PS. Dennis reminds me that I also know Raoul Wallenberg and a quick google search tells me I also knew Britt Ekland, Greta Garbo, Ingmar Bergman, Han Blix, Dag Hammarskjold, Alfred Nobel, Anna Lindh, Stefan Edberg, Henning Mankel and Ulrika Jonsson although to be honest apart from the last one I would have been hard pressed to pick which Scandinavian country they were from!