Saturday, February 13, 2010


I am not well
Now, all members of my family who read my blog just ran for cover. Because, unlike you remaining people who only know the nice bits of me I show online, my family know that the statement 'I am not well' emanating from my lips is inevitably going to be followed by a long, high pitched moan-come-wail-come-attention-seeking-whinge... Eeeurrrrrghhhhhhh. I'm no-ooot we-eeeellll.

Only today it is a plain 'I am not well' without the siren sound because I can't fit it in between the chain sneezing. Chain sneezing is a new one on me. It is standing joke in our house that I sneeze in threes. Every time.
Not today.
I am sneezing in, well, there's no start and end to count from really, Just little pauses long enough to blow my nose or to threaten a whinge but no more. One sneeze starts at the back of the throat, right where it joins the top of the mouth, even before the other one has fully exploded from the nose.
It is exhausting.
It is like line dancing championships for the infected.

Toe, heel. Toe, sneeze, heel sneeze. Sneeze whinge sneeze, sneeze. Blow, turn. Sneeze, sneeze, sneeze, sneeze....
All of which I am being forced to do to the sound track of Yo Yo Ma (who in China is actually called Ma Yo Yo which sounds like the Dame in Aladdin) and the Silk Route Orchestra playing the star spangled banner because Dennis thinks that this U-Tube clip of Mongolian and Turkmenistan artists playing their traditional instruments is fascinating. It sounds like the seven dwarfs are playing the high strings of a baby grand piano by hitting them with pickaxes. I may be mixing my pantomime metaphors here but you get the idea.

All of which brings me to Kop-Kops. Well, I know it does not get me there directly but the indirect but connected route takes some time and I can't fit it in between sneezes. Kop-kops are medicinal sweets known to cure all ill feeling no mater what it emanates from. (Save, that is diseases that have a diagnosable name other than 'virus' 'general infection' 'a bit of a bug' and 'something going around'.) I suspect I should not publicly announce that they are medicinal or the wonks in the Policy Directorate for Stupid Labelling Regulations at the EU will force a name change in the same way that Cough Candy is now sold as winter candy on the spurious grounds that it neither cures nor causes a cough.

But it does. Cure not cause that is. But only if the two types of sweets are delivered, in 4oz doses, at the same time, in separate white paper bags, turned over at the top, by a father returning home from work. It is well known Conway family magic. And that's why the ,"EEuuurrrgh" whinge is usually followed by a pathetically pleading "Daddy go get me kop-kops!)

But I fear that this time I am doomed to eternal illness for I cannot get the plea in between sneezes. I thought I might communicate my plight this way but of course I lost him at the first full stop. Or, given the decrepit nature of his computer, possibly a little before. So, I wonder - can you help?Please email him a request that he go get me kop-kops. His address is

PS. Do I sound mad today?
I am not mad.
I may have been up since the early hours overdosing on decongestant a little bit but I am not mad.

Oh and that winter candy stuff. The EU decrees that has to be sold wrapped now not in loose pieces shaken with a pleasingkly clunky sound from a big jar kept high up on a top shelf far, far away from the jelly babies. In case we catch germs. Do they really think that anyone eating a concoction called cough candy does not already have germs?



Terry said...

Kop kops? Cough candy? Sometimes, my dear, I haven't a clue what you are talking about! It must be that thing about Americans and British being divided by a common language. At any rate, I got that you are feeling rotten and send my sympathy and hope you are feeling better soon and that someone brings you the right kind of treat!

Gerrie said...

I love trying to decipher your British lingo. Mostly though, I love your humour, (note sp!) even when you are whining from a bad code in your node.

Terry said...

Except Gerrie, she is not whining--that is what Americans do. She is whinging, which seems to me more like a sound a rusty hinge would make!

Brenda said...

It's a standing joke in this house that I sneeze in threes too. Get well soon.

Denise in PA said...

Helen, I hope you get well soon! But, at least you didn't get sick when you were away - that would have been awful. I got sick right before we went on our cruise the other week - and I thought if I got this on the ship it would be been even MORE horrible. My husband sneezes in 3s or 4s - problem is it is SO LOUD I can hardly stand it. I'm sure yours are dainty sneezes o:)